Plan's plan, baby

Alright, while we are last with the speeches, we have first dibs to ask every other would-be Prez a question, might I suggest something lighthearted to loosen things up, a la, "what makes Matt's eyes so dreamy?" But please enter comments with questions. As for the speech, it is as follows, again, if you want to make any changes or realize that it isn't funny, let me know:

I'd like to begin by thanking everyone for sticking around until now. I'm Spanky, Spanky the WonderElf and I want to be your Student's Union President for the 2005-2006 school year.

A bit about myself, I'm presently in my fourth year of Elf Studies at the University, following my life altering decision to give up a career in gardens and under bridges and instead choosing to pursue a higher education. I've lived on campus since my first year here, mostly in broom closets and front lawns, so I know what life is like for the average University student.

As President, I have vision for the University. I realize that I can't do everything at once, so I plan to focus on one issue at a time, and get as much done as I can.

One of my main platforms is student safety. The traffic in our hallways is ridiculous. I plan to install such safety features as traffic lights in crowded hallway intersections, and have hall monitors with taser patrolling areas ensuring safe and efficient travel through high traffic areas. Out of curiosity, can I have a show of hands as to who would be interested in being a hall monitor?

On to my next issue, there's been much talk about instructor and exam evaluations. I propose a 'mad libs' style reviews available to all students throughout the duration of courses. These will be easy to complete, just as informative but you won't fall asleep reading them, which is more than I can say for some of your classes.

Another issue of mine is the monopolistic style dictatorship that is Aramark. I believe that through a well-thought out student uprising, together we can achieve food made with 30% more love and 15% less human fecal matter.

And finally, let's talk tuition. Every candidate wants to freeze tuition, but how do they intend to do this? I... have a plan! The University has a nuclear reactor, but at present is using it for non-evil purposes. I intend to hold weaker Universities hostage in exchange for tuition money. If this does not work, I hope to convince Mr. Klein to issue another tuition freeze as an anniversary present for 25 straight years of tuition increases.

So remember, on the 9th and 10th when you're deciding how to waste your vote, VOTE SPANKY, because 'none of the above' hates you.